I tell my plans out loud this morning… to Simon stopping by, bacon and eggs goodbye breakfast and dropping keys, cactus off. My words don’t sound too strange but not as compelling as yesterday. His response neither negative or positive, maybe slightly bemused at best. Wish for more. Do i really need someone, him, to validate my idea? Well there is a whole other non-conversation going on there.

Rest of the day working on reports for work, answering emails – nothing challenging. Later after more instructional videos I order some silicone and Liquidtrex (used to make paint flow easily and dry slow to enable longer working time). I feel the hesitation.. on sizes to buy, need to be sure, I don’t want to buy the wrong stuff or stuff i won’t use. Well some paint is already on the way for the box, so I will need this stuff anyway.  My hesitation is that i have a habit of buying stuff, getting briefly interested and then it sits not being used or mini (emphasis on mini) projects left unfinished.

But the workspace will be a place to focus, to leave projects being worked on out, instead of having to clear away and then forgetting to go back to.  I make a list of what I need to do to get the space going, the first few tasks as follows:

  1. remove the double bed
  2. buy a daybed (Peter still staying every week still need guest bed)
  3. remove carpet
  4. find somewhere to store or chuck stuff from under bed

But what can i do right now… NOW… to move this forward.

Moving old textbooks off the shelves in the spare room onto the living room shelves, so i can take a pile of clay and paints that have been on the living room shelves, into the creative workspace.  The books are old – text books on international development, conflict, clash of civilisations, globalisation – my degree study books. Not opened since the last assignment and exam. Dense with facts and knowledge.. sitting useless on my shelves. I need to clear these off, not hang on to the identity, the part of me they represent. Difficult. Tomorrow I will take them to a charity shop. Let it go. Certainly the text books.

Just the simple act of switching the clays/paints and books between rooms, i start to feel uncertain. Is this going to work? Its not good enough. i only do stupid little things. Not interesting, not valuable, not worthwhile, have to do better. Am I kidding myself?

Remember TT and EG books. Very common responses that block creativity. Fear of not being good enough, its been done before, you’re wasting your time… push through… ET words, don’t suppress feelings, observe… be here now.

One step at a time.

weirdo writing plough on through.. there another ridiculous anxiety.. that this verbiage is not an entertaining witty enlightened epic. That is not the point. Now i just sound mad and i am the only one listening.

do what you say and say what you do…  move from dreaming to doing