The story of her life… loves passions lusts heartbreak and the intermittent fun guys no emotions pulled. One long heartache for so long a hostage, never released. (Rule number one – steer clear of the married ones).

Does she want this undercommitted state to change? Yes… but

… But so many she sees, feeling relief their life is not hers… attached to each other in boredom, anger or pain, little joy or no interest. Unable to break the pattern.

Women disappointed in their husbands, daily scratching. Husbands no longer paying attention or caring, distracting themselves with whatever they can find, attaching themselves to a numbing interest. Sport drink work. Or roles reversed. Slowly destroying each other.

Which started first… the inattentiveness or the disappointment?

Which one will stop the cycle?

Why do people stop caring about the one they once loved more than any other? laziness, neglect, creeping boredom… that they are a part of creating, a constant searching for newness? The bucket of “new” empty, not willing to embrace the changes, not liking the changes or looking for the same now gone?

When does it become easier to destroy than create?

She wants to believe she would not fall into the first trap. But being unable to express the love felt before starting out, how can feelings be expressed – wants, hopes, fears, anxiety –  in the turbulence of a relationship. She reaches to stroke his neck but hands invisibly tied, anticipating reaction rejection. Conversations internal, responses already known. How to sit face to face open and hear responses without crumbling, choking or running from a love already overwhelming? How to keep standing, keep self and not disappear?

How to stop living in fear of loss of self?